There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
