I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Randomize
