I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
