I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
