Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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