he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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