i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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