I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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