I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Randomize
