Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Randomize
