I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
So much rum. So many feels.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Randomize
