it's too hot outside to masturbate.
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Randomize
