cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Every concussion has its silver lining
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Randomize
