everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
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