Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Randomize
