my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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