the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
