; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
