Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Randomize
