the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
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I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
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I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
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