They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
