so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
