OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
