I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
3pm strippers are depressing
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
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