If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
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