marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
