mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
