I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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