So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Randomize
