Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
