Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
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