U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
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