The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
There's always time for handjobs
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
