I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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