WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
