we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
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