Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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