Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Randomize
