***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
