hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Randomize
