The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
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