Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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