I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
