then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Randomize
