Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
Randomize
