You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
I have feelings that need drinking.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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