I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Randomize
