I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
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