If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
my poor anus
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Randomize
