She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
