The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
