my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize
