guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Two words: nipple clamps
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