the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
