Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Randomize
