The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
we made out on top of his cat.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
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