Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
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