your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
